Featured on the Best Therapists Podcast: Understanding and Repairing Contempt in Relationships
Learn how contempt—the most toxic of the Gottman “Four Horsemen”—shows up in relationships and what you can do to prevent it. In this episode of What Your Therapist Thinks, I share Gottman-based strategies to repair trust, improve communication, and keep your relationship contempt-free. If you’re interested in learning how I help couples repair trust, visit my Couples Counseling page →
I recently had the privilege of joining hosts Kristie Plantinga and Felicia Keller Boyle on the Best Therapists podcast, What Your Therapist Thinks, for a conversation about one of the most corrosive forces in intimate relationships—contempt.
It was a pleasure to speak with Kristie and Felicia, both of whom bring thoughtfulness, humor, and depth to their work. Their questions reflected a genuine curiosity about what helps couples move from defensiveness and disconnection back toward empathy and repair.
🎧 Listen to the Episode
You can listen to the full conversation on your preferred platform:
There’s also a companion article, “Contempt in Relationships”, on BestTherapists.com that summarizes the key takeaways from our discussion.
💬 What We Talked About
In my practice with couples, contempt is one of the conflict patterns I pay closest attention to. Drawing largely from the Gottman Method, we discussed how contempt—whether expressed through sarcasm, eye-rolling, or a subtle tone of superiority—signals a deeper breakdown in respect and emotional safety. Therapists help couples identify contempt by recognizing specific behaviors such as sarcasm, eye-rolling, and mockery, which are clear indicators of disrespect. If negative patterns like sarcasm and dismissiveness are not addressed, they can become entrenched, making it harder for couples to break the cycle of conflict.
The five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions is a strong predictor of relationship satisfaction. Happy and unhappy couples are often distinguished by their communication styles—happy couples tend to avoid contempt and negative patterns, while unhappy couples frequently fall into these destructive behaviors, which can erode trust and connection over time.
Some of the topics we explored included relationship breakdown:
Why contempt is the most dangerous of Gottman's “Four Horsemen.”
How to distinguish frustration from contempt, and why the difference matters.
The five-to-one ratio—the research-backed balance of positive to negative interactions that predicts relationship health.
Why early intervention is essential, and how couples can begin to repair patterns before they harden into hopelessness.
🧠 Mental Health Insights From the Therapy Room
After more than twenty-five years working with couples in Utah and North Carolina, I’ve seen how contempt can sneak into relationships gradually—often disguised as humor, sarcasm, or “helpful” correction. Contempt is a pervasive feeling that can gradually erode respect and connection between partners. Sarcastic responses and name calling are common ways contempt is expressed, signaling deeper issues in the relationship. But I’ve also seen couples rebuild after years of distance by learning to approach each other with curiosity instead of criticism. Contempt leads to emotional disconnection and can make it virtually impossible to repair the relationship if not addressed.
Through structured interventions—many drawn from the Gottman Method and Dialectical Behavior Therapy—I help distressed couples learn to replace contempt with validation, appreciation, and genuine repair. Couples therapy can help partners combat contempt by fostering direct communication and rebuilding respect. It is essential that both partners commit to positive change and align on core values to restore relationship wellness and marital stability. Alongside validation and appreciation, focusing on relationship exercises for couples helps counteract negative emotions. Unresolved conflict and unresolved trauma often contribute to ongoing relationship issues and marital issues. The Sound Relationship House framework supports well-being, mental health, and physical health by promoting healthy communication and emotional connection. Understanding the current relationship and the emotional state of each partner is essential for growth and healing. Avoiding conflict can reinforce negative patterns and prevent partners from addressing the root causes of distress. Experiencing contempt often involves attacks on a partner's character and can be especially damaging when one partner or the other partner feels targeted. Relationships today face unique challenges, and addressing these issues is key to fostering long-term relationship wellness.
Body Language and Non-Verbal Cues
In relationships, what’s left unsaid often speaks the loudest. Body language and non-verbal cues are powerful communicators, especially when it comes to contempt in relationships. Even without words, contempt can show up in subtle—and sometimes not-so-subtle—ways: a dismissive wave of the hand, a sarcastic smirk, or the infamous eye rolling that signals disdain. Hostile humor, sneering, and physical withdrawal are all forms of contemptuous behavior that can quietly erode the foundation of a partnership.
These non-verbal signals are more than fleeting gestures; they can trigger a cascade of negative emotions, leading to emotional disconnection and conflict escalation. When one or both partners regularly display dismissive body language or sarcastic facial expressions, it creates an unhealthy relationship dynamic where mutual respect and emotional connection are replaced by emotional distance and defensiveness. Over time, this dynamic creates an environment ripe for relationship breakdown and even relationship failure.
The Gottman Institute has identified contempt as one of the most destructive forces in relationships, and much of this contempt is communicated through non-verbal cues. Recognizing these signs—whether it’s a partner’s eye rolling during a disagreement or a cold, dismissive posture during a conversation—is a crucial first step in breaking the contempt cycle. By becoming aware of these patterns, couples can begin to replace negative non-verbal cues with positive interactions that foster emotional wellness and a more fulfilling partnership.
Addressing contempt in relationships isn’t just about changing what you say; it’s about being mindful of how you say it, both verbally and non-verbally. Practicing healthy communication skills, such as maintaining open body language and using facial expressions that convey empathy and understanding, can help partners create a safer space for honest dialogue and conflict resolution. This intentional effort to shift both verbal and non-verbal communication can make it possible to overcome contempt and rebuild genuine respect.
If you notice recurring patterns of contemptuous behavior—whether in your own actions or your partner’s—it may be time to seek professional guidance. A qualified therapist or couples therapist can help you identify underlying issues, develop a healthier relationship framework, and support both you and your partner in making positive changes. With commitment and support, it’s possible to move beyond unhealthy relationship patterns and build better relationships grounded in mutual respect, emotional safety, and lasting connection.
🎙 About the Hosts
The What Your Therapist Thinks podcast is produced by BestTherapists.com, a platform devoted to ethical, transparent therapist listings and education for both clients and professionals.
Host Kristie Plantinga brings a deep understanding of therapy practice and digital transparency, while Felicia Keller Boyle, who also runs The Bad Therapist, helps clinicians build businesses grounded in authenticity and purpose. Together, they make clinical conversations accessible, relevant, and refreshingly human.
🩵 A Personal Reflection
I'm grateful for opportunities like this to bridge what I know from research with what I see every week in my practice—real couples working hard to reconnect after years of distance or conflict. Contempt doesn't have to define a relationship's future. With the right tools, awareness, and commitment, partners can write a very different story together.
If you're noticing sarcasm, emotional withdrawal, or that constant edge of criticism in your relationship, that's often a signal it's time for help. Schedule a consultation to begin rebuilding communication and connection.
