Couples Therapy Exercises: DIY Relationship Guide for Couples
You can do Gottman Method exercises at home
Gottman Method Relationship Exercises You Can Do at Home
By Kenny Levine, LCSW, Couples Therapist
As a couples therapist with over 20 years of clinical experience, I’ve guided hundreds of couples through research-backed relationship exercises to enhance their communication. I’ve had the opportunity to see what approaches work best for helping couples build connection and understanding. The observations I’ve made in my clinical practice have been born out by Dr. John Gottman’s research at University of Washington. Studying over 3,000 couples over the course of four decades, Dr. Gottman has proven that specific communication practices can predict and improve relationship success with 90% accuracy. Today, I’m sharing some of the most effective communication exercises for couples that you can try at home—the same tools I help couples practice and refine in professional couples therapy for communication and relationship repair.
These DIY couples therapy activities are designed to help you strengthen your bond, improve communication, and deepen your emotional connection—all from the comfort of your own home. Simple exercises, such as guided breathing or short daily check-ins, can be easily incorporated into your routine. While these relationship therapy activities can be powerful, remember they aren’t a replacement for professional couples therapy. If your relationship feels stuck or you’re dealing with significant challenges, I encourage you to reach out for professional support.
Some people worry that means diving into painful issues and leaving sessions feeling uneasy. Let me put that fear to rest. Most couples counseling are a positive experience, leaving you feeling better understood by your partner. While we sometimes lean into challenging emotions, we also make room for humor, warmth, and connection.
One couple I worked with, Lisa and James (names changed for privacy), had tried couples therapy before with a different counselor. They said during those sessions they would each tell the counselor their position on a problem, the couples counselor would take sides, and they’d leave the session feeling more angry and hopeless than they came in. They feared the same would happen with me. But I explained my approach, and instead, they found themselves laughing as they rediscovered the things that brought them together in the first place. Through fun relationship exercises for couples like the ones I’ll share below, they were able to rebuild trust, improve communication, and strengthen their bond.
Regular practice of these exercises is key to seeing lasting improvement in your relationship.
Now, let’s explore these practical exercises you can start using today!
Table of Contents
1. Understanding Couples Connection Exercises
Think of these couples therapy exercises as relationship workouts. Just like going to the gym strengthens your body, these activities strengthen the emotional and communication muscles in your relationship. Each couples therapy exercise is designed to foster connection in a meaningful way, helping partners build deeper understanding and emotional intimacy.
As you imagine doing these relationship workouts, think about how they can be integrated organically into your daily lives, allowing you to apply new skills and insights during everyday interactions for ongoing relationship improvement.
The Science Behind These Exercises
Research shows that couples who regularly practice Gottman-based exercises report higher relationship satisfaction. These activities strengthen what Dr. Gottman calls “The Sound Relationship House,” which consists of nine essential components of healthy relationships.
Here’s how I like to explain it to my clients: Imagine your relationship as a bank account. Each positive interaction—a kind word, a thoughtful gesture, or a shared laugh—is like a deposit. Negative interactions are withdrawals. The goal is to keep your relationship account in the black by consistently making small, meaningful deposits. Tracking progress in your relationship helps you see how these deposits add up over time, making it easier to celebrate achievements and address relationship challenges as they arise.
Why DIY Marriage Counseling Can Help
Let’s be honest - getting couples therapy can be expensive! But that doesn’t mean you can’t work on your relationship.
The Gottman Method provides lots of couples therapy exercises that you can try at home. Think of these as relationship workouts. Just like going to the gym makes you stronger, these activities build relationship muscles. Try these couples therapy exercises for communication at home to see improvement in your relationship.
How to Use These Exercises
Start with 15–20 minutes per exercise
Practice consistently (2–3 times per week)
Begin with easier exercises before progressing to more advanced ones
Both partners should be willing participants
Partners working together and making a concerted effort is essential for the success of these exercises
Track your progress to stay motivated
2. Couples Therapy Games
Strengthening Connection Through Building Love Maps
Time Required: 15 minutes
Difficulty Level: Easy
Materials Needed: The free Gottman Card Decks app (available for free from the App or Google Play store)
A key factor in long-term relationship stability is whether couples make space in their minds for their partner’s world. Resilient couples often have a detailed “map” of their relationship, one that includes each person’s needs, preferences, experiences, and perspective.
To help deepen your connection, try this engaging activity designed to foster meaningful conversations and strengthen your bond. Many couples are pleasantly surprised by the insights and closeness this exercise creates!
To get started on gaining a deeper understanding of each other’s inner world, download the Gottman Card Decks app, select the Love Maps deck, and follow these instructions:
There are two ways to complete this exercise:
Take Turns: Pick a question from the list provided. Try to answer the question as it applies to your partner. Then switch roles: your partner selects a question and answers it based on your life. Alternate for about 30 minutes.
Spotlight Method: Select a question and answer it about your partner. Continue choosing and answering questions about them for 15 minutes. Afterward, switch roles, and your partner will answer questions about you for 15 minutes.
As you go through the questions, dig deeper by asking follow-up questions to explore the reasons behind your partner's answers. This helps you better understand your partner's perspective and strengthens your connection.
Enjoy the process and see where the conversation takes you!
Make this a date night activity—get cozy with your favorite snacks, and enjoy discovering surprising things about each other. Even long-term couples often learn something new!
If you enjoy this activity, try one of the other Gottman Card Deck games: Open-ended Questions, Rituals of Connection, Sex Questions, Date Questions, Give Appreciation, and I Feel…
One of my clients shared how marriage communication exercises like this transformed their conversations. “We thought we knew everything about each other,” they told me. “But when we asked those questions, I discovered things about his childhood that made me see him in a whole new light.”
Research Insight: Couples with detailed Love Maps are more resilient during stress.
3. Communication Building Activities
The Stress-Reducing Conversation
Time Required: 20 minutes
Difficulty Level: Moderate
Materials Needed: None
Set aside 20 minutes to discuss daily stresses (not about the relationship). One partner shares while the other listens, offering empathy and understanding without trying to “fix” anything. Then switch roles.
Why It Works: This fosters emotional connection and helps each partner feel supported.
Gentle Start-Up Practice
Time Required: 20 minutes
Difficulty Level: Moderate
Materials Needed: None
When bringing up concerns, how you start the conversation matters. Dr. Gottman recommends using this formula:
“I feel [emotion] about [situation], and I need [specific request].”
For example:
Instead of “You never help around the house,” say, “I feel overwhelmed with chores and need us to create a system for sharing tasks.”
Another helpful technique is the sandwich method. This involves delivering a request or criticism by placing it between two positive statements. For example, start with a positive comment, share your concern or request, and end with another positive note. This method can make it easier for your partner to hear feedback without feeling attacked.
This approach encourages collaboration and reduces defensiveness. Addressing unmet expectations through clear communication can also prevent misunderstandings and emotional distance in your relationship.
4. Building Fondness and Appreciation
The Appreciation Exchange
Time Required: 5 minutes
Difficulty Level: Easy
Materials Needed: None
Each day, share three specific things you appreciate about your partner. For example:
“I appreciate how you made coffee this morning because it started my day on a positive note.”
Making this a daily ritual helps build a culture of positivity and trust.
The appreciation exchange is a great exercise for strengthening your relationship in a meaningful way.
Pro Tip: Dr. Gottman’s research highlights the importance of maintaining a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.
5. Emotional Connection Activities
Understanding your emotions—and learning how to talk about them—is one of the most powerful skills for building intimacy. These activities are designed to foster emotional intimacy and help couples connect on a deeper level. If you and your partner struggle to put feelings into words, you might find it helpful to explore the Gottman Feelings Wheel. This visual tool helps couples identify and name emotions with greater accuracy, making it easier to express needs, reduce misunderstandings, and stay connected during difficult conversations. Developing this kind of emotional awareness can transform the way you communicate as a couple.
Emotion Word Game
Time Required: 5–10 minutes
Difficulty Level: Moderate
Materials Needed: None
Expand your emotional vocabulary together by using three specific emotion words daily. For example: “I felt calm, proud, and supported today.” If you struggle to find effective words to describe your emotions, consider exploring this beautiful website in order to build your vocabulary and understanding of emotion words. Engaging in self reflection can also help you better understand and express your feelings during this exercise.
Over time, this practice deepens your ability to understand and express emotions as a couple.
Creating Shared Meaning
Take time to discuss big-picture topics like life dreams, shared goals, and values. Mutual respect is essential in these conversations, as it fosters teamwork, understanding, and a stronger partnership. Dr. Gottman calls this “creating shared meaning,” and it’s a hallmark of deeply connected couples.
6. Trust-Building Exercises for Couples
Trust grows through intentional practice, not grand gestures. One of the most effective therapy exercises you can do at home is the “Attunement Check-In,” inspired by the Gottman Method. Set aside 10–15 minutes where one partner listens closely while the other shares a small stressor from the day. The goal isn’t to fix it—just to understand it. This structured exercise helps partners work together to build emotional safety, which is the foundation of every healthy relationship. When each partner feels seen and heard, deeper connection naturally follows.
Another simple therapy exercise is the “Trust Jar.” Each day, add a note describing a moment when one partner took responsibility, followed through on a promise, or made a small act of kindness. Over time, reviewing these notes helps partners develop a deeper understanding of how trust is built through consistent, everyday actions. This kind of structured exercise reminds couples that trust is strengthened through reliability and awareness—not perfection.
Finally, try the “State of the Union Mini-Review,” a Gottman-inspired relationship ritual. Once a week, set aside ten minutes to appreciate what’s going well, and ten minutes to gently discuss one area that needs attention. You can rotate who shares first so that one partner isn’t always in the vulnerable position. This exercise reinforces accountability (“this is where one partner takes responsibility”), empathy (“this is where the other listens closely”), and collaboration (“this is how both partners work on the relationship”). Practiced regularly, these at-home couples therapy tools help foster a resilient, trusting, and deeply connected healthy relationship.
7. Conflict Resolution Activities
Conflict is inevitable in any romantic relationship, but the way partners approach it makes all the difference. One of the most effective at-home therapy exercises inspired by the Gottman Method is the “Stress-Reducing Conversation.” Set aside 10–15 minutes where each partner takes turns sharing a non-relationship stressor while the other practices active listening. The goal is not to fix the problem, but to respond with empathy and curiosity. This simple ritual reduces emotional distance, builds trust, and lays the groundwork for resolving conflicts in a more productive manner.
Another practical tool is the “Compromise Map,” adapted from Gottman’s Art of Compromise. Each partner writes down their core need within the conflict and then circles the areas where they are flexible. Sharing these lists helps couples resolve conflicts with clarity, fairness, and mutual respect. It also supports improving communication by shifting the focus from winning an argument to understanding each other’s deeper values.
Finally, try the “Time-Out with a Return Plan.” When emotions rise, both partners agree to pause the discussion, take deep breaths, and resume the conversation after a set time. This prevents escalation and supports deepening connection by creating a safer emotional environment. Practiced regularly, these exercises strengthen your relationship and help conflict become a place for growth—not disconnection.
8. Creating Emotional Safety Together
Emotional safety is the foundation of every strong relationship, and it’s something couples can actively build at home. One of the most powerful couples therapy exercises inspired by the Gottman Method is the “Comfort Check-In.” Set aside ten minutes where partners identify a recent moment when they felt cared for, and another moment when they felt tense or unheard. The goal isn’t to assign blame but to understand each other’s inner world with compassion. This simple ritual nurtures emotional connection by helping each partner feel seen and valued.
Another practical option is the “Soothing Ritual,” especially helpful when difficult emotions arise. Together, create a short calming routine—lighting a candle, sharing deep connection statements, or practicing slow breathing side by side. These shared therapy exercises teach the nervous system to feel safe with the other person, transforming moments of stress into opportunities for closeness.
By weaving these practices into your weekly rhythm, couples can strengthen trust, increase empathy, and build the kind of emotional safety that allows genuine emotional connection to flourish.
9. Setting Long-Term Relationship Goals
Creating shared meaning is essential for healthy relationships, and one of the most effective ways to strengthen that sense of purpose is through intentional goal-setting. A simple at-home ritual inspired by Gottman’s Make Life Dreams Come True framework is the “Dreams Dialogue.” In this couples therapy exercise, partners identify one personal dream and one shared dream—anything from career shifts to hopes for family life or future adventures. Each partner then asks gentle, open-ended questions to understand the deeper values and needs beneath the dream. This practice helps both partners move from surface-level wishes to a fuller appreciation of what truly matters.
Another practical tool is the “Shared Goals List,” a structured prompt where partners identify three long-term aspirations for the relationship and outline small steps they can take together. These therapy exercises make abstract hopes feel attainable and encourage teamwork rather than pressure. Revisit the list monthly and celebrate progress, no matter how small—because forward movement, not perfection, is what strengthens a relationship over time.
By weaving these goal-setting rituals into your weekly or monthly rhythm, couples cultivate clarity, empathy, and a shared roadmap for the future—cornerstones of truly healthy relationships.
10. When to Seek Professional Help
While these exercises can strengthen healthy relationships, there are times when professional help is necessary:
Persistent communication breakdowns
Trust violations
Emotional disconnection
Recurring conflicts
Major life transitions
I offer complimentary 15-minute consultations to help you determine whether couples therapy could benefit your relationship. Couples counselors can provide expert guidance and practical techniques, while marriage therapy offers specialized support and strategies for couples facing ongoing challenges.
FAQs
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Start with 2–3 times per week for 15–20 minutes per session. Consistency is key!
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Start with fun, easy exercises like the Love Maps game. If your partner’s resistance continues, consider whether or not discussing your concerns with a professional might be indicated.
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While these activities can strengthen relationships, they are not a substitute for professional help when serious issues arise.
