Why Naming Our Emotions Matters in Relationships: Understanding the Gottman Feelings Wheel (and Its True Origins)
Recognizing our emotions is key to effective couples communication.
Emotional Awareness in Couples Therapy
In couples therapy, one of the most powerful skills partners can develop is the ability to observe, label, and express emotions clearly. Some people seem to have an instinct for this—they can name what they feel in the moment and express it in ways their partner can understand. Others struggle to find the words, reacting instead through silence, irritation, or defensiveness.
The good news is that emotional awareness is a skill that can be built.
Like any skill, it grows with practice, curiosity, and guidance.
In Gottman Method Couples Therapy, we talk about meta-emotion—how you feel about feelings. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, each of us has a meta-emotion philosophy, shaped by our family of origin and life experience, that determines how comfortable we are with strong emotions—both our own and our partner’s. (Read more about meta-emotion on the Gottman Institute blog.)
When partners can recognize and articulate their emotions, they build empathy and trust. When they can’t, conflicts often escalate or stall—not because they don’t care, but because they lack the shared language to connect.
This is where visual tools such as the Feelings Wheel and the Atlas of Emotions can make a profound difference.
The Feelings Wheel Explained
If you’ve ever searched online for “Gottman Feelings Wheel,” you’ve likely seen a colorful circular chart with six core emotions at the center—happy, sad, angry, afraid, and disgusted—radiating outward into more specific words like inspired, lonely, resentful, and anxious.
Commonly called the “Gottman Feelings Wheel,” this design was originally designed by Dr. Gloria Willcox.
This tool is commonly known as the Gottman Institute Feeling Wheel, and versions of it appear in therapist handouts, workbooks, and educational PDFs. It’s a staple in many couples-therapy toolkits because it helps people translate vague feelings into clear emotional language.
But here’s an important fact that often gets lost online: While the wheel is widely used by the Gottman Institute, it was not created by John or Julie Gottman.
The True Origin: Dr. Gloria Willcox and The Feeling Wheel
The original Feeling Wheel was developed in 1982 by Dr. Gloria Willcox, a therapist, educator, and communication specialist. She published her model in the Transactional Analysis Journal in an article titled “The Feeling Wheel: A Tool for Expanding Awareness of Emotions and Increasing Spontaneity and Intimacy.”
Dr. Willcox designed the wheel to help people:
Identify and name emotions with greater precision
Increase emotional vocabulary and self-awareness
Strengthen intimacy by making emotions shareable
Her design arranged emotions in concentric rings—starting with broad categories at the center and branching into more nuanced descriptors. The simplicity of her model made it instantly useful for therapy, education, and personal growth.
Over time, the Gottman Institute adopted Willcox’s design and began distributing versions labeled “The Gottman Institute — The Feeling Wheel (Developed by Dr. Gloria Willcox)”, always acknowledging her authorship.
You can explore a digital, interactive version of the original wheel here:
👉 allthefeelz.app
Why the Feeling Wheel Is So Helpful in Therapy
Labeling emotions is not merely a linguistic exercise—it’s a neurological intervention.
Research shows that naming emotions calms the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, and activates areas of the prefrontal cortex associated with self-regulation and problem solving.
In practice, when a partner says, “I’m mad,” the conversation often stalls. But when they can identify, “I feel rejected and unseen,” their partner can respond with empathy instead of defensiveness.
The Feeling Wheel gives couples a shared vocabulary for these deeper layers of emotion—an essential foundation for repair, understanding, and closeness.
Facial Expressions and Emotional Decoding in Gottman Method Therapy
While language is crucial, Gottman Method training emphasizes something equally important: what emotions look like.
In Gottman Method Couples Therapy training, therapists learn to decode facial expressions using the research of Dr. Paul Ekman, widely recognized as the world’s foremost expert on nonverbal emotional communication. His Facial Action Coding System (FACS) identifies the micro-movements of facial muscles that correspond to emotions such as anger, contempt, fear, and joy.
The Gottman Institute calls Ekman’s work “the state of the art in coding facial expressions.”
Therapists are trained to notice subtle expressions—the tightening of a jaw, the fleeting raise of an eyebrow, the half-second microexpression of sadness or contempt—because these cues often reveal feelings that words obscure.
This emphasis on decoding emotion was deeply influenced by a foundational study by John Gottman, Robert Levenson, and Erica Woodin, titled Facial Expressions During Marital Conflict.
Their findings illuminate why emotional mapping tools like the Feeling Wheel are so effective when combined with trained observation.
Key Findings from Facial Expressions During Marital Conflict
Facial coding predicts emotional and relational outcomes.
Gottman and colleagues analyzed 79 married couples using Ekman & Friesen’s Emotion Facial Affect Coding System (EMFACS). Specific facial muscle movements—called Action Units—correlated with core emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and contempt.Physiological and emotional states align.
When one partner’s facial expressions showed fear or sadness, their heart rate increased, reflecting emotional flooding. Felt (or “Duchenne”) smiles, which engage the eye muscles, correlated with lower stress and better relationship satisfaction.Unfelt smiles and contempt predicted separation.
Partners who displayed “masking” smiles or contemptuous expressions were more likely to separate within the next four years. Contempt—marked by an eye roll or lip corner tightening—remains the single strongest predictor of divorce in Gottman’s longitudinal research.Therapist sensitivity matters.
Therapists who can read microexpressions are better equipped to track emotional shifts in real time, interpret conflict accurately, and guide couples toward repair.
In short, emotions are written on the face before they are spoken aloud.
A skilled therapist must be fluent in both the language of words and the language of expression.
The Atlas of Emotions: A Bridge Between Awareness and Understanding
While Dr. Willcox’s Feeling Wheel focuses on naming emotions, another remarkable tool helps us understand how emotions function: the Atlas of Emotions.
This interactive project was a collaborative effort by the Dalai Lama and his friend Dr. Paul Ekman and his daughter Dr. Eve Ekman. Their goal was to map the “geography” of human emotions so people could understand their inner experiences with more clarity and compassion.
The Atlas organizes emotions into five universal families:
Anger
Fear
Disgust
Sadness
Enjoyment
Each family includes gradients, triggers, and action tendencies, helping users explore how emotions escalate and what purposes they serve. The Dalai Lama’s intent was to help people “develop emotional awareness—not to suppress emotions, but to understand them better so that we can cultivate more constructive responses.”
How I Use These Tools in Couples Therapy
In my own work with couples, I often integrate the Gottman Feelings Wheel and the Atlas of Emotions to build emotional fluency and strengthen connection.
Here’s how that might look in session:
Identify the feeling.
A partner says, “I’m angry.” We open the wheel and explore: is it irritated, resentful, powerless, or hurt?Explore the emotion’s function.
Using the Atlas of Emotions, we look at what anger is communicating—perhaps a boundary violation or a need for respect.Regulate before reacting.
Drawing from DBT, we pause for grounding, breathing, or opposite-action skills to prevent escalation.Express with clarity and compassion.
Using Gottman “I-statements,” the partner might say, “When you walked away, I felt powerless and disconnected. What I need right now is reassurance that we’re okay.”Notice nonverbal feedback.
As the listener responds, I observe subtle facial shifts. Does the jaw soften? Do the eyes brighten? Is there tension signaling hurt or fear?
These layers—language, awareness, regulation, and observation—help couples move from reactivity to connection.
Why DBT and the Gottman Method Work So Well Together
I’ve found that my background in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) complements Gottman Method Couples Therapy, particularly when I’m working with couples that are struggling with conflict and high emotional reactivity. Both approaches view emotions as valuable signals rather than problems to be eliminated.
DBT teaches mindfulness, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation.
The Gottman Method focuses on attunement, repair, and building emotional safety.
Both emphasize awareness before action. When couples can name their feelings, regulate their responses, and communicate needs directly, the relationship transforms.
Using tools like the Gottman Institute Feeling Wheel and the Atlas of Emotions bridges these approaches—it gives couples the structure to practice emotional literacy, and gives therapists a shared language for coaching empathy and understanding.
Why Facial Awareness and Emotion Mapping Go Hand in Hand
When I teach couples to use these tools, I also encourage them to be aware of the facial language of emotion—the furrowed brow, the softened gaze, the involuntary smirk that says more than words ever could.
As Dr. Gottman’s research shows, these micro-expressions often appear milliseconds before conscious awareness. Recognizing them helps partners repair conflict in real time.
Imagine one partner saying, “I’m fine,” while their eyes narrow and their mouth tightens. A therapist trained in both DBT and the Gottman Method might respond gently:
“Your words say you’re fine, but your face tells me there’s more there. Can we pause and explore what you’re feeling?”
This kind of attuned curiosity transforms conflict into discovery. It embodies the Gottman principle of turning toward—noticing your partner’s emotional cues and responding with interest and care.
Practical Ways to Use the Feeling Wheel and Atlas of Emotions
You don’t need to be in therapy to start building emotional vocabulary. Here are a few simple ways to use these tools at home:
Daily Emotion Check-In
Each evening, pick three words from the Feeling Wheel that describe your day. Share them with your partner without analysis—just naming them is powerful.Conflict Reflection
After a disagreement, revisit the wheel together. What emotions were really underneath? What needs were unspoken?Mindful Observation
Use the Atlas of Emotions to explore what triggers certain feelings and how they rise and fall.Emotion Journaling
Track your emotions over a week. Which ones repeat most often? What patterns emerge?Meta-Emotion Conversation
Ask each other: How did your family handle feelings when you were growing up? Which emotions feel easiest—or hardest—to share?
Why Emotional Vocabulary Strengthens Relationships
The ability to articulate feelings is not just therapeutic—it’s transformative.
Couples who build emotional vocabulary experience:
Less reactivity and fewer misunderstandings
More empathy and mutual attunement
Greater trust and emotional safety
Deeper intimacy and faster repair after conflict
In both Gottman and DBT frameworks, language is a tool for building emotion regulation. When we can describe what’s happening inside us, we create space for choice, compassion, and connection.
Explore the Tools
🌀 Feeling Wheel by Dr. Gloria Willcox – Explore your emotions interactively.
🌏 Atlas of Emotions – Discover the science behind how emotions work.
📄 Facial Expressions During Marital Conflict – Read John Gottman’s research on decoding emotion in relationships.
🧠 Meta-Emotion: How You Feel About Feelings – Learn more about emotional philosophies in the Gottman Method.
Final Thoughts
Used together, the Feelings Wheel and the Atlas of Emotions offer couples a powerful way to understand and communicate what’s happening inside. By learning to identify and describe emotions with greater precision, partners develop emotional awareness—the cornerstone of empathy and connection.
This shared language for emotions allows couples to slow down reactivity during conflict, name what they’re truly feeling beneath defensiveness or blame, and express needs in ways that invite understanding rather than escalation. Over time, this practice builds emotional safety, trust, and closeness, transforming moments of tension into opportunities for growth.
When partners can recognize their emotional patterns and talk about them openly, intimacy deepens. These tools help couples move from confusion to clarity, from disconnection to attunement—and from managing conflict to cultivating genuine emotional intimacy.
